since LA

a year ago today (august 16, 2013), i moved to los angeles. marking the first time in my life i would establish long-term residency outside of the bay. it had been a crazy few days leading up to the actual move. my original target date was august 15. but when remotely searching online listings for months yielded nothing, dad suggested the week before,

why don't we go down there to find your place?

monday morning he phoned me from the kitchen, leaving a voicemail saying, 

CJ, CJ, wake up! we have to go. ok, CJ...wake up.

and off we went. the two of us drove down not knowing how long the search would take.

we'll stay until you find a place. i packed a bag for a week.

i hope it doesn't take that long! 

a few days earlier i booked a cheap hotel online located at wilshire & western for two nights figuring we could always extend our stay as needed. arriving in the late afternoon, i hopped on my computer, browsing listings, making phone calls and scheduling appointments while he took a nap. later we walked to dinner nearby. over all-you-can-eat korean bbq, we cordially argued about the present-day relevance of labor unions. then called it a night.

tuesday morning, i checked the postings again. on craigslist, there was a new listing almost too good to be true. everything i had been looking for at the right price. there were no photos included which made me wary of the accuracy of the description. it had only been posted 30 minutes earlier so i rushed to send a response right away. in the elevator on the way back from breakfast, i got a voicemail from the manager with the exact address of the apartment. we headed there right away hoping to be able to view it.

upon arriving, the manager wasn't answering her phone. stuck waiting around, i walked across the street to check out another vacancy sign posted on a gate. "camille?" a girl asked as i stood on the sidewalk waiting for the maintenance guy of this building to show me the apartment. it was the younger sister of a a high school classmate. she was living west hollywood but happened to be visiting a friend in the area. we caught up for a little bit, and she recommended checking out her neighborhood for vacancy postings.

we made our way to weho only to finally receive a phone call from the manager of the "too-good-to-be-true" apartment to come see the it right away. we returned, and i went in by myself, folder of paperwork and checkbook in hand. i loved it and applied then and there. spent the rest of the day gathering additional application materials. after preparing all the documents at kinko's, we celebrated with sushi and ice cream.

wednesday morning, we checked out of the hotel. the two nights i had initially booked turned out to be enough for the task. i submitted the extra materials, deposit and first month's rent checks, and the place was practically mine. i took my dad inside to get his seal of approval. not that it was required. in our adulthood, i've appreciated that dad [and mom] have let us make our own decisions trusting that they have raised us well enough to make good choices. but i wanted the affirmation because it was not possible without him. it was a mission we accomplished together, in less than 48 hours at that. content in our achievement, we headed home, taking detours at porto's for breakfast and in santa barbara for lunch with my great aunt.

thursday was for an ikea run, loading up the u-haul and saying final farewells. then it was back to LA on friday with dad behind the wheel of the moving truck, and mom and me driving in the car. over the next few days, we worked to transform my new apartment into my new home. living without electricity and visiting the corner taco truck for sustenance.

are you happy?

he asked because that's what all the effort was for and that's all he wanted for me. the answer a year ago was whole-heartedly yes as everything seemed to be falling into place as i had hoped. but my heart has broken many times since then. others have said that loss has taught them to live better, love better. but i've been too distracted, too exhausted and too sad to give it a good try. maybe reflecting on the past year is a step. or maybe for right now, it's okay to finally stay still in the grief and just miss him.

"to be alive at all is to have scars" ~steinbeck

a quote in the book. a scene in a movie. most of all, the bright fushcia phalaenopsis flowers in full bloom for the first time since the orchid was gifted to me by the girls as a "get well" gesture. all subtle daily reminders that it has been quite a while since my incident last summer and i have yet to provide a full reflection on that time.

i hinted and promised that i would do so in a past entry, but every attempted draft didn't quite capture everything i wanted to say about it and it was too easy to keep moving forward.

for most of my life, i have been lucky enough to be blessed with relatively good health. this incident was probably the single greatest threat to my health. yet since the injuries were minor, the incident itself quickly became a surreal memory. after all, the next night i was surrounded by laughing friends and family in my childhood home. back to work the following tuesday. camping on catalina island only a week and a half later. then hiking through the andes the next month.

the other reason for my desire to put it in my past: resentment.

i resented being a victim. i admit that i withdrew from gchat and other social networks just to avoid being asked for nth time hearing, "how are you feeling?" people were only asking because they cared, but i grew weary of rehashing the state of my injuries and recovery. i didn't need any additional reminders of what happened. i was witnessing the everyday miracle of wounds healing and turning to scars.

i resented that it seemed to prove the misperceptions of oakland. there was no thought of the why. just a matter of fact: "that happens there." in my own mind, i've vaguely explored the root of it all. see it as a sign of desperation during these tough economic times and a reflection of the tension that is a common symptom in a rapidly gentrifying city.

and yes, one does eventually come to acceptance of it all. so much so that when the kind southern woman from the insurance claims office calls me months later to hear my story, she is in shock and full of sympathy while i chuckle in my explanation of how silly a circumstance i put myself in.

aside from a revival of humor, the greatest thing about acceptance is the ability to revisit even the toughest moments with a lighter heart.

#minorspoileralert: there is a scene in "50/50" where jgl is in the hospital crying to his mom (played by anjelica huston). she attempts to comfort him while the medical staff unapologetically orders her to retreat to the waiting room.

i spent a greater portion of the movie laughing, but i couldn't help tearing up a bit during that one scene. i realize later that my reaction was strong because it was incredibly real to me.

i remember when i opened my eyes to my dad, mom and brother standing over me in the trauma center. i immediately started crying. like every other time in my life that i have cried, my dad delivered his standard mantra, "be strong." i know he went out to the waiting room and translated my tears to my friends as an expression of the pain i was feeling. it was true my head was throbbing from the concussion, but my tears weren't for the pain. they were for my parents: that they had to see me like this, that i made them worry. my mom especially has already spent too many hours in hospital waiting rooms for my brother, for my dad, and in this one particular instance for me.

my pushy attending nurse scooted my family out of my room citing the strict two visitors at a time rule. ignoring that rule, the girls somehow snuck by my nurse and visited my room all at once. i remember smiling and telling them, "my favorite girls in the world!"

some of the dearest people in my life comforted me that night and the days following. thank you, all. after the open wounds and resentment have long gone, it's the memory of the love and blessings received that still resounds.

himyf

the year 2035

kids, i'm gonna tell you an incredible story.

25 years ago, (before i was mom) i had this whole other life.
it was waaaay back in 2010, i was half the age i am now...on my way to becoming a city planner and living in oakland with your auntie frances, auntie bev and mochi, auntie bev's dog.

it was great. we were young college grads, traveling as often as our vacation accruements & disposable incomes would allow, and only really certain of our favorite bar in the city.

don't get me wrong though. our early twenties weren't all handshakes and happy hours. we had just capped off one hell of a decade. i know people my age say we grew up in the 90's, but it was really the 00's when we became adults: maneuvering our way through high school and then college, acknowledging the rough realities of society and the world; and eventually stumbling into careers (or grad schools) to stake our niche to meet these challenges.

by the time 2009 rolled around, we thought we were primed for a new beginning. it was the year barack obama became the 44th president. your uncle vaughn, auntie melissa and i even went to washington dc to see that historic inauguration. but i will get to that part of the story in a little bit...

as i was saying, 2009 started off with a lot of hope. unfortunately as the year progressed, it seemed like there was always another tragedy, another death, another disaster. and to add, the decade ended with the state budget still in the dumps, "the great recession" continuing to afflict our national economy, and a handful of friends and relatives unemployed.

seems like a grim context to start a tale, but kids, this is the story of how i met...

seasons & reasons

the seasons here change subtly, and you really have to pay particular attention to notice when it happens. i feel like absence most characterizes the changes.

with the departure of summer, i can no longer smell the sweet scent of jasmine, there are no more roses in bloom and the warmth of the sun leaves us earlier everyday.
------------------------
certain turnings of the seasons are so vivid to me that i can remember exactly what i was doing or what song was playing...

one year ago, i was contentedly plugging away at an excel sheet at work with my headphones on.

they say people in your life are seasons
and anything that happen is for a reason

my mind happened to be lingering on this lyric when the phone rang.
mom was calling and she had that tone that she only uses for the gravest of matters.

i hung up
and didn't believe it because it was only hearsay,
but more so because i didn't want to believe it.
i didn't believe it until the next day
and after a series of tearful phone calls with childhood friends.

finally, i dialed one of the few phone numbers i still have memorized.
the goal: condolences and strength
for a dear teacher, neighbor and friend.
she didn't pick up and instead i got the answering machine.
the recorded greeting was mr. b's cheeful voice.

and it broke my heart from that moment on.
that he would never again interrupt our mini reunions in the brucia living room
    camera in hand, prompting us to say "whiskey!"
    instead of "cheese" at the snap of the shutter
that he got to see me graduate from college,
    but would not see his grandkids do so.
that i assumed he would attend my wedding someday.
that someone so full of life and love was gone.

the grief lingered longer than i expected
as a heavy weight in my chest
in the exasperated sobs that put me to sleep
on many of last october's nights.

the overt sadness eventually faded
and deceivingly manifested itself
as a false sense of urgency
under the guise of a carpe diem attitude.

and when that facade was stripped down,
i relearned how to take my time
and finally came to recognize the
blessings among the blunders,
love within the loss.

r.i.p. mr. b, thank you for sharing your love with the world

these are troubling times, but
while loss changes,
it's only love that truly transforms.

nostalgia part 2

"...in greek, “nostalgia” literally means “the pain from an old wound”.
it’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone.
this device isn’t a spaceship, it’s a time machine.
it goes backwards, forwards, takes us to a place where we ache to go again.
it’s not called the wheel. It’s called the carousel.
it lets us travel the way a child travels.
round and around, and back home again.
to a place where we know we are loved"

~don draper

nostalgia part 1

early friday night, we three noobs to the albatross experience finally got to see what it is all about. in in our years at berkeley, we only heard the tales of board games, billiards, darts and a popcorn machine.

we walk into the dark pub atmosphere and let our eyes adjust. i glance around at the dingy surroundings and to my excitement i see they have connect four! it had been years since i'd played, so i insist we grab the last set with us on our way to a large round table in the back.

as kay ann and i start playing, nostalgia strikes...

at grandpa q's house my brother and i pull out the connect four set tucked away on the bottom bookshelf behind the tv. between the family photos on the wall and the snowglobes & figurines on the mantle, there is little to keep two young kids entertained for an extended period of time. we begin to play the game and from the kitchen i can smell the sweet combination of flour, sugar & saba and hear the crackle as the maruya mixture hits the frying pan.

this is the only thing i remember my grandpa ever cooking. it became a favorite treat that i wished for on every visit. a simple dish and a simple moment, but a memory that i can still smell, hear, and taste.

i beat kay ann in a second round, so peezy steps up to the challenge. with my renewed connect four skills, i defeat him in four moves (yes, it is possible). i need to get me a copy of this game. =)

shuffle

i've never been a playlist craftsperson. i usually keep the tunes on shuffle with each song becoming a surprise for the soundtrack of life. i find that the appropriate songs usually attach to certain experiences to complete these moments and memories.

with that said, cheers to a weekend on shuffle (& video documentation)...

1. "black or white" - michael jackson

as we wait for our carne asada fries, i decide to slide a dollar into the jukebox. we can't seem to get the first song we want to play so i impatiently start punching semi-random numbers. the result was this song. one of the better mistakes i've made. =)

2. "i'm on a boat" - the lonely island


3. "drift away" - dobie gray

mary of the elephant odyssey exhibit at the sd zoo sways to a nicky classic.

4. "circle of life" - the lion king

this needs a bit more explaining: i had a somewhat similar experience as L did a few weeks ago. for some unknown reason, this song just kept reemerging throughout the weekend.

- thurs: watched "the lion king" as the 2nd film during a movie night in
- fri: richelle blogged about it
- sat: we played it first thing in the morning before leaving for the zoo
- sun: came back home to see this vid under my youtube subscriptions

5. "knock you down" - keri hilson
this song had been in our heads all weekend. in the last few hours of my stay in sd, it inspired a one take session that we completed within the hour before i had to head to the airport.
(check fbook for this vid)
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p.s. the blogosphere feels alive this month! lots of folks making it a point to blog more...i think i will too.

bookend encounters

a drizzly february morning.
1st task of the day: purchase snacks for a meeting in sf.
i'm early, and trader joe's is still closed.

alone, i wait, earbuds in, somewhat dazed,
not fully recovered from the spell of sickness
that kept me in bed for half the day before.

8:50am
a man rides up on his bicycle and waits too.
we begin with pleasant small talk,
but the conversation quickly turns
and he starts to vent his
frustrations and anger with
unemployment, hunger, homelessness, authority, life...

our discussion never actually ends.
i don't quite have the right words to say in response.
he trails off and shuffles among the crowd
that is making their way through the store's open doors.

ash wednesday mass that night
i say a little prayer for him.
for better days.
for his peace of mind.
i forget about all this until...


last night.
it's almost 10 o'clock
and i'm just leaving good friday service.

the next bus is in 27 min
so i opt for a less direct route home.

sneaks, jeans, backpack with
hood up over my head
to thwart an unexpected chilly breeze.
i feel like a student again
walking past people's park
reminded of this campus's strange coexistence of
privilege and poverty.

hello. you were sitting next to me at church, right?

yes, i was.

in half a block we exchange niceties & names:
the typical
how do you do?
where are you from?
where are you headed?

then the inevitable
(and these days often touchy)
what do you do?

i give my standard answer
then hesitantly ask him in return.

i'm not into anything at the moment,
but things are just starting to come together for me.
i was homeless for a few years,
but now i have a roof over my head.

we come to the corner of telegraph & dwight
where we are to part ways.

i'm headed in this direction now.
i'm glad to hear that things
are starting to look up for you.

thank you.
what was your name again?

camille.
in case i don't see you,
happy easter.

i extend my arm out for a handshake
and receive
a hug.

made my night

knowing that i started an excellent tradition...

11:45 PM rendell: caaamillleee i just wanted to tell u that our core affirmations that we did when i was a 2nd yr lives on!

lol we've been affirming someone at the end of every core meeting :)

good night

man, i wish i could stop time like a photograph
every joke that he told, i'd know to laugh

a fleeting moment

there was a moment today
of genuine happiness
when i forgot about
broken hearts or
worrying so much

we were chatting
and laughing
then we parted ways

as i drove off
it suddenly hit me
how much i miss
you being a part
of our everyday lives

we did good

not intending to be conceited or anything, but wanted to share this convo that frances & i had with one of our freshman (when we were seniors):

awww you guys are awesome

hahaha, yah...we know

no seriously, your class is our favorite class!
josh, eugene, and i always talk about how it was
when you all were around and
how we're gonna be like you when we're seniors.

=)

me, a year ago

randomly logged into the xanga today after a loooooong while and saw my second to last entry:

if i know one thing right now, it is this: life has never been more unpredictable than at this moment. and it's not that i have no idea what i want to do with my life or that i don't have a plan. i actually have a fairly decent idea of what i want in the long-run. it's what can happen day-to-day until the long-run that makes life now so crazy.

when i thought i didn't get into this volunteer program, i bought a roundtrip ticket to san diego for christine's wedding. roundtrip...a cycle, a circle, coming and going the same way. but fate twists and it seems for now i'm over with cycles: academic, emotional, or what not. for now, i don't have any set routes, any commitments, any routines.

after exchanging my roundtrip ticket, here i am with only a one way ticket to nyc. i will definitely be back, just not necessarily the same way i left.

that was me early june 07: back from the graduation parties in san diego, berkeley life boxed up in the garage, days in the u.s. numbered, wondering how the hell i was gonna pack for a summer out of this country. more than that, i was just so damn eager to change up my rhythm & get a new perspective. with a year passed since then, i happily see most of the dreams i had in mind fulfilled. and the few that weren't...well, i guess the events of this year changed me, and thus changed my mind. or maybe more appropriately...changed my heart. what felt right a year ago, suited me a year ago. me a year ago: high off possibilities and unable to even imagine what experiences the next month would bring. me today feels overwhelming drawn to chill moments, subtle charm, and certainty (not to say my adventurous, wanderlust days are over).

different phase in life
different expectations
different wants

and i'm glad