in a name

last month i read the namesake by jhumpa lahiri. my initial reaction: it made me miss my parents. although just a bart trip and a car ride away, it's so easy to get busy in my own little world of work and friends. the holidays, thankfully, have been great time to take advantage of the proximity to family. the time spent is simple but so special. take last friday: a birthday dinner at a cheap vietnamese restaurant followed by squeezing onto the couch on a cold, rainy night to watch the "expendables" with 3 of the most important people in my life. maybe i'm romanticizing the mundane moments, but i can't deny that at that moment i was truly happy.

--

the book also made me consider all the nicknames i have or had in my lifetime: cj, camel, c-dawgg, cam, mealy/meal, camiye, camizzle/camiz, homie, c, etc. some have stuck while others have been lost in memory, but each name is relegated to specific person(s), places, times in my life. it is interesting how a nickname is not just something someone calls you, but reflects a relationship, an intimacy, an inside joke that you share with certain people.

"there's so much in a name and so much more in you"

lights
floating
on the dark pacific
boats gathering the day's crab harvest

lights
hovering
above the bay
planes carrying wanderers home

lol text from dad

Pinoy1: Sino ang bagong. mayor ng Oakland?
Pinoy2: Si Quan.
Pinoy1: Sinong kwan? Akala ko si ano.

all of them well spent

there were 5 full weekends in october

1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

all of them great and november 1 was the icing on the cake. =)

thru the rain

did you know?

michelle sporting this sticker on her back

we were all smiles despite the rain as we walked around golden gate park.

a fellow lupus walker passed us up with her mini boom box blasting "i can see clearly now."

and though it wasn't gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day, it was a great morning to be among good friends for an excellent cause!

team fruit LOOP-US!

i met my fundraising goal and the norcal walk as a whole raised $121,000 for lupus research, advocacy, education and support services.

special thanks to my supporters. sha-shabooya....roll call!

bev

kitty

nicky

leeser

cristal

melissa

vu-dawg

sharing

several weeks ago, i took a peculiar circuitous route from the ferry building to my destination at battery & broadway. i walked between the craft booths bustling with tourists and against the traffic of the farmers market patrons, along justin herman plaza, through four embarcadero center, past a couple parks, the safeway, and several high-rise condo buildings in the fi-di.

not a particularly interesting city walk, but it was a beautiful day and i was in no rush. as i walked alone on my meandering path, it led to some meandering thoughts...

if i don't tell anyone i took this walk, no one would ever know i was here taking this route today. well except for these nameless people i pass on the street. but to them i'm just as nameless as they are to me, so what would be the value of they knowing i was here?

i realize no one has to know every thing i've done, everywhere i've been. but sharing is love. and it has been a while since i've fully shared my thoughts here. and it's even been quite a while since i started this thought and restarted this entry. lately i've struggled with what to share and when. largely because there are reflections on major experiences, both bad and good, from the past few months that i'm still trying sort out in my head.

so consider this entry as collateral for those thoughts. hold me to it...

how i know love

30 years of dad & mom

congratulations & condolences

my mom's side of the family

a daughter is born
on wednesday morning

this first child by our "generation"
of six cousins
who grew up together like siblings

in the thursday twilight
of the hospital window
i hold my niece in my hands
a precious bundle of potential

my aunt takes her
and sings a song softly

my dad's side of the family

a father's heart fails him
on thursday night

an uncle i hardly knew
but the parent of a cousin
raised well to become a
smart, successful, faithful woman

at the sunday evening vigil
i look to her in the pew at the front
as the sound of
repeating hail mary's goes in
one ear and out the other
she is strong and resilient

her words at the end of the night
reflect a comfort in knowing
that he is with God now

oh this life’s dichotomy
from life and death in a given week
from singing lullabies in the maternity ward
to murmuring the rosary in the mortuary

"naked i come from my mother's womb, and naked i will depart. the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away"

life knocks, life's knocks

so, my little amelie, you don't have bones of glass.
you can take life's knocks.
if you let this chance pass,
eventually, your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton.
so, go get him, for pete's sake!

full of life and love from an evening of amelie and a homemade meal of kimchee fried rice and sapporo with two dear friends, i felt compelled to e-mail a kindred soul and advise her to take a risk of the heart since i had not been able to in a similar situation in the past.

of course i could not guarantee how things would turn out. though the assumption was that the best that could happen would be worth the chance.

and she was bold. bolder than i could ever be.

but still she came the tumbling down. i felt horrible. was i wrong in my vicarious recommendation?

after a flurry of consolation e-mails and chats back and forth, i was comforted with the fact that indeed she really was better off. not for having achieved the outcome she wanted, but for not letting the opportunity pass and expressing how she felt at that moment.

simple lesson, long time coming: say what you feel when you feel it.

on a related note: i have been slacking on my blog game. let's fix that.

love love love

"What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything."

~fr. pedro arrupe

shares and follows

monday after work

1) bump into a friend at the bus stop. as she rides part of the way along my route, we chat about plans for the long weekend, friends who are engaged and getting married soon, and the possibility of doing dinner later in the week.

2) arrive home to a pleasant surprise: a letter - 4 lovely pages of heart-open free-flowing words. some impressions never known, many questions never asked.

3) thank the the light drizzle for clearing the sidewalks and providing fresh, crisp air for an evening run to berkeley bowl. i've missed this time in my days. this time when i literally run free and unfollow the world.

4) walking to the bus stop groceries in hand, i pass by remnants of college: the street i used to live on, the art store i used to acquire studio supplies, my old apt building, the pool hall we used to frequent, etc. another coincidental encounter with another friend who is peering into the window of pegasus books. he shares his endeavors in yoga as we wait for my bus to arrive, and i share some cinnamon, sugar almonds.

----------------

i know we are are tech savvy, hyper "connected" individuals, but i still cherish these moments when our lives intersect beyond the @ sign. when i can understand sentiments that run deeper than a "like" or a one-word exclamation. can you follow me here?

lost at sea

'cause when the day comes
and i've counted all my sins
how many i'll see

i want to be able to say

that i did more

more than pray

i did more than

just spend my money

just writing letters

just going out marching

did more than

talking

saying the right thing

wearing the right thing

time for uprising

something about

looking out upon some great vista of

people

water

trees

streets

or snow

that makes you pause,

thank God

and say

at this moment,

this is exactly who i am supposed to be with

and i am exactly where i am supposed to be.