since LA

a year ago today (august 16, 2013), i moved to los angeles. marking the first time in my life i would establish long-term residency outside of the bay. it had been a crazy few days leading up to the actual move. my original target date was august 15. but when remotely searching online listings for months yielded nothing, dad suggested the week before,

why don't we go down there to find your place?

monday morning he phoned me from the kitchen, leaving a voicemail saying, 

CJ, CJ, wake up! we have to go. ok, CJ...wake up.

and off we went. the two of us drove down not knowing how long the search would take.

we'll stay until you find a place. i packed a bag for a week.

i hope it doesn't take that long! 

a few days earlier i booked a cheap hotel online located at wilshire & western for two nights figuring we could always extend our stay as needed. arriving in the late afternoon, i hopped on my computer, browsing listings, making phone calls and scheduling appointments while he took a nap. later we walked to dinner nearby. over all-you-can-eat korean bbq, we cordially argued about the present-day relevance of labor unions. then called it a night.

tuesday morning, i checked the postings again. on craigslist, there was a new listing almost too good to be true. everything i had been looking for at the right price. there were no photos included which made me wary of the accuracy of the description. it had only been posted 30 minutes earlier so i rushed to send a response right away. in the elevator on the way back from breakfast, i got a voicemail from the manager with the exact address of the apartment. we headed there right away hoping to be able to view it.

upon arriving, the manager wasn't answering her phone. stuck waiting around, i walked across the street to check out another vacancy sign posted on a gate. "camille?" a girl asked as i stood on the sidewalk waiting for the maintenance guy of this building to show me the apartment. it was the younger sister of a a high school classmate. she was living west hollywood but happened to be visiting a friend in the area. we caught up for a little bit, and she recommended checking out her neighborhood for vacancy postings.

we made our way to weho only to finally receive a phone call from the manager of the "too-good-to-be-true" apartment to come see the it right away. we returned, and i went in by myself, folder of paperwork and checkbook in hand. i loved it and applied then and there. spent the rest of the day gathering additional application materials. after preparing all the documents at kinko's, we celebrated with sushi and ice cream.

wednesday morning, we checked out of the hotel. the two nights i had initially booked turned out to be enough for the task. i submitted the extra materials, deposit and first month's rent checks, and the place was practically mine. i took my dad inside to get his seal of approval. not that it was required. in our adulthood, i've appreciated that dad [and mom] have let us make our own decisions trusting that they have raised us well enough to make good choices. but i wanted the affirmation because it was not possible without him. it was a mission we accomplished together, in less than 48 hours at that. content in our achievement, we headed home, taking detours at porto's for breakfast and in santa barbara for lunch with my great aunt.

thursday was for an ikea run, loading up the u-haul and saying final farewells. then it was back to LA on friday with dad behind the wheel of the moving truck, and mom and me driving in the car. over the next few days, we worked to transform my new apartment into my new home. living without electricity and visiting the corner taco truck for sustenance.

are you happy?

he asked because that's what all the effort was for and that's all he wanted for me. the answer a year ago was whole-heartedly yes as everything seemed to be falling into place as i had hoped. but my heart has broken many times since then. others have said that loss has taught them to live better, love better. but i've been too distracted, too exhausted and too sad to give it a good try. maybe reflecting on the past year is a step. or maybe for right now, it's okay to finally stay still in the grief and just miss him.

reclaim the atmosphere

and today we'll crucify the fear 

as love reclaims the atmosphere

be honest in transition when preparing for the feast

send blessings to your critics and careful with the least of these

a hectic past several months.

busying myself in oakland, pacifica, san francisco, napa, santa barbara, nola, motown, vegas, san diego
with bridesmaid duties, happy hours, live music, holidays, football games, work transitions, food (always lots of food) and maintaining important relationships in my life.

the latter especially leaving me thinking, thinking, thinking about if/how/when i did and did not do my due diligence to make sure these people know they are loved, appreciated, understood, and valued.

then the january calm arrived and i guess i expected the stillness to equate to peace of mind. but instead it felt more like holding my breath.

and with february, could it be finally a sigh of relief? clarity (thank you, jm) at the very least.

audacity in love

flipping through my journal last night, i found this excerpt from audacity of hope that i jotted down when i read the book a couple summers ago. our president, the romantic.

"eventually i wore her down. after a firm picnic, she drove me back to my apartment, and i offered to buy her an ice cream cone at the baskin-robbins across the street. we sat on the curb and ate our cones in the sticky afternoon heat, and i told her about working at baskin-robbins when i was a teenager and how it was hard to look cool in a brown apron and cap. she told me that for a span of two or three years as a child, she had refused to eat anything except peanut butter and jelly. i said that i'd like to meet her family. she said she would like that. 

i asker her if i could kiss her. it tasted of chocolate. 

we spent the rest of the summer together. i told her about organizing, and living in indonesia, and what it was like to bodysurf. she told me about her childhood friends, and a trip to paris she'd taken in high school, and her favorite stevie wonder songs."

"to be alive at all is to have scars" ~steinbeck

a quote in the book. a scene in a movie. most of all, the bright fushcia phalaenopsis flowers in full bloom for the first time since the orchid was gifted to me by the girls as a "get well" gesture. all subtle daily reminders that it has been quite a while since my incident last summer and i have yet to provide a full reflection on that time.

i hinted and promised that i would do so in a past entry, but every attempted draft didn't quite capture everything i wanted to say about it and it was too easy to keep moving forward.

for most of my life, i have been lucky enough to be blessed with relatively good health. this incident was probably the single greatest threat to my health. yet since the injuries were minor, the incident itself quickly became a surreal memory. after all, the next night i was surrounded by laughing friends and family in my childhood home. back to work the following tuesday. camping on catalina island only a week and a half later. then hiking through the andes the next month.

the other reason for my desire to put it in my past: resentment.

i resented being a victim. i admit that i withdrew from gchat and other social networks just to avoid being asked for nth time hearing, "how are you feeling?" people were only asking because they cared, but i grew weary of rehashing the state of my injuries and recovery. i didn't need any additional reminders of what happened. i was witnessing the everyday miracle of wounds healing and turning to scars.

i resented that it seemed to prove the misperceptions of oakland. there was no thought of the why. just a matter of fact: "that happens there." in my own mind, i've vaguely explored the root of it all. see it as a sign of desperation during these tough economic times and a reflection of the tension that is a common symptom in a rapidly gentrifying city.

and yes, one does eventually come to acceptance of it all. so much so that when the kind southern woman from the insurance claims office calls me months later to hear my story, she is in shock and full of sympathy while i chuckle in my explanation of how silly a circumstance i put myself in.

aside from a revival of humor, the greatest thing about acceptance is the ability to revisit even the toughest moments with a lighter heart.

#minorspoileralert: there is a scene in "50/50" where jgl is in the hospital crying to his mom (played by anjelica huston). she attempts to comfort him while the medical staff unapologetically orders her to retreat to the waiting room.

i spent a greater portion of the movie laughing, but i couldn't help tearing up a bit during that one scene. i realize later that my reaction was strong because it was incredibly real to me.

i remember when i opened my eyes to my dad, mom and brother standing over me in the trauma center. i immediately started crying. like every other time in my life that i have cried, my dad delivered his standard mantra, "be strong." i know he went out to the waiting room and translated my tears to my friends as an expression of the pain i was feeling. it was true my head was throbbing from the concussion, but my tears weren't for the pain. they were for my parents: that they had to see me like this, that i made them worry. my mom especially has already spent too many hours in hospital waiting rooms for my brother, for my dad, and in this one particular instance for me.

my pushy attending nurse scooted my family out of my room citing the strict two visitors at a time rule. ignoring that rule, the girls somehow snuck by my nurse and visited my room all at once. i remember smiling and telling them, "my favorite girls in the world!"

some of the dearest people in my life comforted me that night and the days following. thank you, all. after the open wounds and resentment have long gone, it's the memory of the love and blessings received that still resounds.

sharing

several weeks ago, i took a peculiar circuitous route from the ferry building to my destination at battery & broadway. i walked between the craft booths bustling with tourists and against the traffic of the farmers market patrons, along justin herman plaza, through four embarcadero center, past a couple parks, the safeway, and several high-rise condo buildings in the fi-di.

not a particularly interesting city walk, but it was a beautiful day and i was in no rush. as i walked alone on my meandering path, it led to some meandering thoughts...

if i don't tell anyone i took this walk, no one would ever know i was here taking this route today. well except for these nameless people i pass on the street. but to them i'm just as nameless as they are to me, so what would be the value of they knowing i was here?

i realize no one has to know every thing i've done, everywhere i've been. but sharing is love. and it has been a while since i've fully shared my thoughts here. and it's even been quite a while since i started this thought and restarted this entry. lately i've struggled with what to share and when. largely because there are reflections on major experiences, both bad and good, from the past few months that i'm still trying sort out in my head.

so consider this entry as collateral for those thoughts. hold me to it...

how i know love

30 years of dad & mom

congratulations & condolences

my mom's side of the family

a daughter is born
on wednesday morning

this first child by our "generation"
of six cousins
who grew up together like siblings

in the thursday twilight
of the hospital window
i hold my niece in my hands
a precious bundle of potential

my aunt takes her
and sings a song softly

my dad's side of the family

a father's heart fails him
on thursday night

an uncle i hardly knew
but the parent of a cousin
raised well to become a
smart, successful, faithful woman

at the sunday evening vigil
i look to her in the pew at the front
as the sound of
repeating hail mary's goes in
one ear and out the other
she is strong and resilient

her words at the end of the night
reflect a comfort in knowing
that he is with God now

oh this life’s dichotomy
from life and death in a given week
from singing lullabies in the maternity ward
to murmuring the rosary in the mortuary

"naked i come from my mother's womb, and naked i will depart. the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away"

life knocks, life's knocks

so, my little amelie, you don't have bones of glass.
you can take life's knocks.
if you let this chance pass,
eventually, your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton.
so, go get him, for pete's sake!

full of life and love from an evening of amelie and a homemade meal of kimchee fried rice and sapporo with two dear friends, i felt compelled to e-mail a kindred soul and advise her to take a risk of the heart since i had not been able to in a similar situation in the past.

of course i could not guarantee how things would turn out. though the assumption was that the best that could happen would be worth the chance.

and she was bold. bolder than i could ever be.

but still she came the tumbling down. i felt horrible. was i wrong in my vicarious recommendation?

after a flurry of consolation e-mails and chats back and forth, i was comforted with the fact that indeed she really was better off. not for having achieved the outcome she wanted, but for not letting the opportunity pass and expressing how she felt at that moment.

simple lesson, long time coming: say what you feel when you feel it.

on a related note: i have been slacking on my blog game. let's fix that.

love love love

"What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything."

~fr. pedro arrupe

lost at sea

'cause when the day comes
and i've counted all my sins
how many i'll see

i want to be able to say

that i did more

more than pray

i did more than

just spend my money

just writing letters

just going out marching

did more than

talking

saying the right thing

wearing the right thing

time for uprising

let the sun set on this decade

because i can't take anymore
tragedy, loss & heartache

i'd do it all again

you're searching something, i know
won't make you happy

beautiful. melancholy. perfect.

seasons & reasons

the seasons here change subtly, and you really have to pay particular attention to notice when it happens. i feel like absence most characterizes the changes.

with the departure of summer, i can no longer smell the sweet scent of jasmine, there are no more roses in bloom and the warmth of the sun leaves us earlier everyday.
------------------------
certain turnings of the seasons are so vivid to me that i can remember exactly what i was doing or what song was playing...

one year ago, i was contentedly plugging away at an excel sheet at work with my headphones on.

they say people in your life are seasons
and anything that happen is for a reason

my mind happened to be lingering on this lyric when the phone rang.
mom was calling and she had that tone that she only uses for the gravest of matters.

i hung up
and didn't believe it because it was only hearsay,
but more so because i didn't want to believe it.
i didn't believe it until the next day
and after a series of tearful phone calls with childhood friends.

finally, i dialed one of the few phone numbers i still have memorized.
the goal: condolences and strength
for a dear teacher, neighbor and friend.
she didn't pick up and instead i got the answering machine.
the recorded greeting was mr. b's cheeful voice.

and it broke my heart from that moment on.
that he would never again interrupt our mini reunions in the brucia living room
    camera in hand, prompting us to say "whiskey!"
    instead of "cheese" at the snap of the shutter
that he got to see me graduate from college,
    but would not see his grandkids do so.
that i assumed he would attend my wedding someday.
that someone so full of life and love was gone.

the grief lingered longer than i expected
as a heavy weight in my chest
in the exasperated sobs that put me to sleep
on many of last october's nights.

the overt sadness eventually faded
and deceivingly manifested itself
as a false sense of urgency
under the guise of a carpe diem attitude.

and when that facade was stripped down,
i relearned how to take my time
and finally came to recognize the
blessings among the blunders,
love within the loss.

r.i.p. mr. b, thank you for sharing your love with the world

these are troubling times, but
while loss changes,
it's only love that truly transforms.

good morning, friends

songs in the key of life

if it's magic
then why can't it be everlasting?
like the sun that always shines
like the poets in this rhyme
like the galaxies in time

if it's pleasing
then why can't it be never leaving?
like the day that never fails
like on seashores there are shells
like the time that always tells

bookend encounters

a drizzly february morning.
1st task of the day: purchase snacks for a meeting in sf.
i'm early, and trader joe's is still closed.

alone, i wait, earbuds in, somewhat dazed,
not fully recovered from the spell of sickness
that kept me in bed for half the day before.

8:50am
a man rides up on his bicycle and waits too.
we begin with pleasant small talk,
but the conversation quickly turns
and he starts to vent his
frustrations and anger with
unemployment, hunger, homelessness, authority, life...

our discussion never actually ends.
i don't quite have the right words to say in response.
he trails off and shuffles among the crowd
that is making their way through the store's open doors.

ash wednesday mass that night
i say a little prayer for him.
for better days.
for his peace of mind.
i forget about all this until...


last night.
it's almost 10 o'clock
and i'm just leaving good friday service.

the next bus is in 27 min
so i opt for a less direct route home.

sneaks, jeans, backpack with
hood up over my head
to thwart an unexpected chilly breeze.
i feel like a student again
walking past people's park
reminded of this campus's strange coexistence of
privilege and poverty.

hello. you were sitting next to me at church, right?

yes, i was.

in half a block we exchange niceties & names:
the typical
how do you do?
where are you from?
where are you headed?

then the inevitable
(and these days often touchy)
what do you do?

i give my standard answer
then hesitantly ask him in return.

i'm not into anything at the moment,
but things are just starting to come together for me.
i was homeless for a few years,
but now i have a roof over my head.

we come to the corner of telegraph & dwight
where we are to part ways.

i'm headed in this direction now.
i'm glad to hear that things
are starting to look up for you.

thank you.
what was your name again?

camille.
in case i don't see you,
happy easter.

i extend my arm out for a handshake
and receive
a hug.

a fleeting moment

there was a moment today
of genuine happiness
when i forgot about
broken hearts or
worrying so much

we were chatting
and laughing
then we parted ways

as i drove off
it suddenly hit me
how much i miss
you being a part
of our everyday lives

moments with music

enjoying the nano on shuffle last night:

"one in a million" - aaliyah
"just friends (sunny)" - musiq soulchild
"tell me" - groove theory <3
----------------------------------
on my way to meet melissa for our saturday morning run, one of nicky's favorite songs "drift away" came onto the radio...

Your rhythm and rhyme and harmony
You've helped me along
Makin' me strong

it was comforting and reminded me to be grateful that he's getting better. nicky, soon enough you'll be "stronger!" [like a year ago in ibiza...=)].
----------------------------------
too many concerts, so little time...

aug 12 robin thicke @ mezzanine
sept 3 estelle @ the independent
sept 27 JOURNEY! @ shoreline

what are we talking about here?

the inside is more important than the outside

i don't know if i want this or that...

you gotta be clear about what you want
makes it easier when opportunities are presented to you

i don't know. i just know it when i see it

how did you like this last one?

wasn't for me

don't worry, there will be others.
wait, are we talking about apartment hunting or love?

the decisive moment

there is nothing in this world that does not have a decisive moment

thanks for reminding me about this concept earlier this week kevin! it worked out well because i know that other photo-a-day companions are starting to realize that moments to get that perf shot are incredibly fleeting.

in photography class, we saw hundreds of slides from many of the masters. one of them was henri cartier-bresson, a pioneer of street photography and master of candid portraits. not only did he create an inspiring body of photographic work, but he also gracefully articulated this concept of the decisive moment in photography:

"There is a creative fraction of a second when you are taking a picture. Your eye must see a composition or an expression that life itself offers you, and you must know with intuition when to click the camera. That is the moment the photographer is creative. Oop! The Moment! Once you miss it, it is gone forever."

isn't that crazy to wrap your head around? one solitary instance when elements of the world come together in a stunning way that can be immortalized through photography or otherwise reduced to memory. i love the potential to seize the decisive moment, but in attempting to do so there are so many more chances i frustratedly miss out on. such is photography...and life. it is worth it to keep trying for those moments.

one more quote from hcb...

"To take a photograph is to align the head, the eye and the heart. It's a way of life."

randomly a few weeks back some guy sitting next to me on bart between west oakland and city center said something similar about the mind and the heart needing to be the best of friends. my mind has known where i want to be for a while. it's just my heart hasn't quite caught up to speed. or maybe it's the other way around?