some things i wanna do before i go through this next door in life. let me know if you'd like to partake in any of these activities with me. more to be added later.
hiking (anywhere new would be fun)
bike rides
sf ferry building to sausalito
ironhorse trail
bay trail
drink
weekday ceja outings
anchor brewing tour
art/culture/etc.
new exploratorium (adults only on thurs nights for $15)
be honest in transition when preparing for the feast
send blessings to your critics and careful with the least of these
a hectic past several months.
busying myself in oakland, pacifica, san francisco, napa, santa barbara, nola, motown, vegas, san diego
with bridesmaid duties, happy hours, live music, holidays, football games, work transitions, food (always lots of food) and maintaining important relationships in my life.
the latter especially leaving me thinking, thinking, thinking about if/how/when i did and did not do my due diligence to make sure these people know they are loved, appreciated, understood, and valued.
then the january calm arrived and i guess i expected the stillness to equate to peace of mind. but instead it felt more like holding my breath.
and with february, could it be finally a sigh of relief? clarity (thank you, jm) at the very least.
a quote in the book. a scene in a movie. most of all, the bright fushcia phalaenopsis flowers in full bloom for the first time since the orchid was gifted to me by the girls as a "get well" gesture. all subtle daily reminders that it has been quite a while since my incident last summer and i have yet to provide a full reflection on that time.
i hinted and promised that i would do so in a past entry, but every attempted draft didn't quite capture everything i wanted to say about it and it was too easy to keep moving forward.
for most of my life, i have been lucky enough to be blessed with relatively good health. this incident was probably the single greatest threat to my health. yet since the injuries were minor, the incident itself quickly became a surreal memory. after all, the next night i was surrounded by laughing friends and family in my childhood home. back to work the following tuesday. camping on catalina island only a week and a half later. then hiking through the andes the next month.
the other reason for my desire to put it in my past: resentment.
i resented being a victim. i admit that i withdrew from gchat and other social networks just to avoid being asked for nth time hearing, "how are you feeling?" people were only asking because they cared, but i grew weary of rehashing the state of my injuries and recovery. i didn't need any additional reminders of what happened. i was witnessing the everyday miracle of wounds healing and turning to scars.
i resented that it seemed to prove the misperceptions of oakland. there was no thought of the why. just a matter of fact: "that happens there." in my own mind, i've vaguely explored the root of it all. see it as a sign of desperation during these tough economic times and a reflection of the tension that is a common symptom in a rapidly gentrifying city.
and yes, one does eventually come to acceptance of it all. so much so that when the kind southern woman from the insurance claims office calls me months later to hear my story, she is in shock and full of sympathy while i chuckle in my explanation of how silly a circumstance i put myself in.
aside from a revival of humor, the greatest thing about acceptance is the ability to revisit even the toughest moments with a lighter heart.
#minorspoileralert:there is a scene in "50/50" where jgl is in the hospital crying to his mom (played by anjelica huston). she attempts to comfort him while the medical staff unapologetically orders her to retreat to the waiting room.
i spent a greater portion of the movie laughing, but i couldn't help tearing up a bit during that one scene. i realize later that my reaction was strong because it was incredibly real to me.
i remember when i opened my eyes to my dad, mom and brother standing over me in the trauma center. i immediately started crying. like every other time in my life that i have cried, my dad delivered his standard mantra, "be strong." i know he went out to the waiting room and translated my tears to my friends as an expression of the pain i was feeling. it was true my head was throbbing from the concussion, but my tears weren't for the pain. they were for my parents: that they had to see me like this, that i made them worry. my mom especially has already spent too many hours in hospital waiting rooms for my brother, for my dad, and in this one particular instance for me.
my pushy attending nurse scooted my family out of my room citing the strict two visitors at a time rule. ignoring that rule, the girls somehow snuck by my nurse and visited my room all at once. i remember smiling and telling them, "my favorite girls in the world!"
some of the dearest people in my life comforted me that night and the days following. thank you, all. after the open wounds and resentment have long gone, it's the memory of the love and blessings received that still resounds.
last month i read the namesake by jhumpa lahiri. my initial reaction: it made me miss my parents. although just a bart trip and a car ride away, it's so easy to get busy in my own little world of work and friends. the holidays, thankfully, have been great time to take advantage of the proximity to family. the time spent is simple but so special. take last friday: a birthday dinner at a cheap vietnamese restaurant followed by squeezing onto the couch on a cold, rainy night to watch the "expendables" with 3 of the most important people in my life. maybe i'm romanticizing the mundane moments, but i can't deny that at that moment i was truly happy.
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the book also made me consider all the nicknames i have or had in my lifetime: cj, camel, c-dawgg, cam, mealy/meal, camiye, camizzle/camiz, homie, c, etc. some have stuck while others have been lost in memory, but each name is relegated to specific person(s), places, times in my life. it is interesting how a nickname is not just something someone calls you, but reflects a relationship, an intimacy, an inside joke that you share with certain people.
"there's so much in a name and so much more in you"
so, my little amelie, you don't have bones of glass. you can take life's knocks. if you let this chance pass, eventually, your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton. so, go get him, for pete's sake!
full of life and love from an evening of amelie and a homemade meal of kimchee fried rice and sapporo with two dear friends, i felt compelled to e-mail a kindred soul and advise her to take a risk of the heart since i had not been able to in a similar situation in the past.
of course i could not guarantee how things would turn out. though the assumption was that the best that could happen would be worth the chance.
and she was bold. bolder than i could ever be.
but still she came the tumbling down. i felt horrible. was i wrong in my vicarious recommendation?
after a flurry of consolation e-mails and chats back and forth, i was comforted with the fact that indeed she really was better off. not for having achieved the outcome she wanted, but for not letting the opportunity pass and expressing how she felt at that moment.
simple lesson, long time coming: say what you feel when you feel it.
on a related note: i have been slacking on my blog game. let's fix that.
1) bump into a friend at the bus stop. as she rides part of the way along my route, we chat about plans for the long weekend, friends who are engaged and getting married soon, and the possibility of doing dinner later in the week.
2) arrive home to a pleasant surprise: a letter - 4 lovely pages of heart-open free-flowing words. some impressions never known, many questions never asked.
3) thank the the light drizzle for clearing the sidewalks and providing fresh, crisp air for an evening run to berkeley bowl. i've missed this time in my days. this time when i literally run free and unfollow the world.
4) walking to the bus stop groceries in hand, i pass by remnants of college: the street i used to live on, the art store i used to acquire studio supplies, my old apt building, the pool hall we used to frequent, etc. another coincidental encounter with another friend who is peering into the window of pegasus books. he shares his endeavors in yoga as we wait for my bus to arrive, and i share some cinnamon, sugar almonds.
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i know we are are tech savvy, hyper "connected" individuals, but i still cherish these moments when our lives intersect beyond the @ sign. when i can understand sentiments that run deeper than a "like" or a one-word exclamation. can you follow me here?
the seasons here change subtly, and you really have to pay particular attention to notice when it happens. i feel like absence most characterizes the changes.
with the departure of summer, i can no longer smell the sweet scent of jasmine, there are no more roses in bloom and the warmth of the sun leaves us earlier everyday. ------------------------ certain turnings of the seasons are so vivid to me that i can remember exactly what i was doing or what song was playing...
one year ago, i was contentedly plugging away at an excel sheet at work with my headphones on.
they say people in your life are seasons and anything that happen is for a reason
my mind happened to be lingering on this lyric when the phone rang. mom was calling and she had that tone that she only uses for the gravest of matters.
i hung up and didn't believe it because it was only hearsay, but more so because i didn't want to believe it. i didn't believe it until the next day and after a series of tearful phone calls with childhood friends.
finally, i dialed one of the few phone numbers i still have memorized. the goal: condolences and strength for a dear teacher, neighbor and friend. she didn't pick up and instead i got the answering machine. the recorded greeting was mr. b's cheeful voice.
and it broke my heart from that moment on. that he would never again interrupt our mini reunions in the brucia living room camera in hand, prompting us to say "whiskey!" instead of "cheese" at the snap of the shutter that he got to see me graduate from college, but would not see his grandkids do so. that i assumed he would attend my wedding someday. that someone so full of life and love was gone.
the grief lingered longer than i expected as a heavy weight in my chest in the exasperated sobs that put me to sleep on many of last october's nights.
the overt sadness eventually faded and deceivingly manifested itself as a false sense of urgency under the guise of a carpe diem attitude.
and when that facade was stripped down, i relearned how to take my time and finally came to recognize the blessings among the blunders, love within the loss.
r.i.p. mr. b, thank you for sharing your love with the world
these are troubling times, but while loss changes, it's only love that truly transforms.
early friday night, we three noobs to the albatross experience finally got to see what it is all about. in in our years at berkeley, we only heard the tales of board games, billiards, darts and a popcorn machine.
we walk into the dark pub atmosphere and let our eyes adjust. i glance around at the dingy surroundings and to my excitement i see they have connect four! it had been years since i'd played, so i insist we grab the last set with us on our way to a large round table in the back.
as kay ann and i start playing, nostalgia strikes...
at grandpa q's house my brother and i pull out the connect four set tucked away on the bottom bookshelf behind the tv. between the family photos on the wall and the snowglobes & figurines on the mantle, there is little to keep two young kids entertained for an extended period of time. we begin to play the game and from the kitchen i can smell the sweet combination of flour, sugar & saba and hear the crackle as the maruya mixture hits the frying pan.
this is the only thing i remember my grandpa ever cooking. it became a favorite treat that i wished for on every visit. a simple dish and a simple moment, but a memory that i can still smell, hear, and taste.
i beat kay ann in a second round, so peezy steps up to the challenge. with my renewed connect four skills, i defeat him in four moves (yes, it is possible). i need to get me a copy of this game. =)
i've never been a playlist craftsperson. i usually keep the tunes on shuffle with each song becoming a surprise for the soundtrack of life. i find that the appropriate songs usually attach to certain experiences to complete these moments and memories.
with that said, cheers to a weekend on shuffle (& video documentation)...
1. "black or white" - michael jackson
as we wait for our carne asada fries, i decide to slide a dollar into the jukebox. we can't seem to get the first song we want to play so i impatiently start punching semi-random numbers. the result was this song. one of the better mistakes i've made. =)
2. "i'm on a boat" - the lonely island
3. "drift away" - dobie gray
mary of the elephant odyssey exhibit at the sd zoo sways to a nicky classic.
4. "circle of life" - the lion king this needs a bit more explaining: i had a somewhat similar experience as L did a few weeks ago. for some unknown reason, this song just kept reemerging throughout the weekend.
- thurs: watched "the lion king" as the 2nd film during a movie night in - fri: richelle blogged about it - sat: we played it first thing in the morning before leaving for the zoo - sun: came back home to see this vid under my youtube subscriptions
5. "knock you down" - keri hilson this song had been in our heads all weekend. in the last few hours of my stay in sd, it inspired a one take session that we completed within the hour before i had to head to the airport. (check fbook for this vid) --------------------- p.s. the blogosphere feels alive this month! lots of folks making it a point to blog more...i think i will too.
1 hour ago: working from home this morning, i took a break to do some much needed running and soul searching. it's a beautiful day, but i'm pretty sure it's going to rain tonight.
1 day ago: immersed in a monday workday. it has been non-stop since i returned from vacation, and i don't think it will slow down anytime soon.
1 month ago: learning to love oakland more. joined kenneth for a hip hop dance class @ new style motherlode on college. appreciating the resources just down the street.
1 year ago: saturday brunch @ 2422, i reveal to mark that i've expanded my job search, applied to a job in downtown and may soon join the oakand lunch crew. =)
no lie. it's hot in the office, it's hot in brooklyn, it's hot everywhere.
bi-coastal gchat discussions about thrifty ice cream and mister softee, suddenly remind me of spain slightly over a year ago. the unbearable heat in the hostel room that nicky and i shared in barcelona. no a/c...only an electric fan that could only be plugged in one part of the room, barely creating movement of air. going back to the ice cream connection...i smile thinking of the time we lost nicky and ken for a good half hour on a crowded street because they got distracted by cheap gelato.
waking from daydreams of travel memories and returning to the present day: can't wait until the visit to san diego next week. hopefully it can involve ice cream.
"one in a million" - aaliyah "just friends (sunny)" - musiq soulchild "tell me" - groove theory <3 ---------------------------------- on my way to meet melissa for our saturday morning run, one of nicky's favorite songs "drift away" came onto the radio...
Your rhythm and rhyme and harmony You've helped me along Makin' me strong
it was comforting and reminded me to be grateful that he's getting better. nicky, soon enough you'll be "stronger!" [like a year ago in ibiza...=)]. ---------------------------------- too many concerts, so little time...
aug 12 robin thicke @ mezzanine sept 3 estelle @ the independent sept 27 JOURNEY! @ shoreline
i guess the miles & months that separate us only make weekends like this THAT much more special. (congrats to the class of 2008! it's your turn to enjoy the life)
hands down one of my favorite blogs right now is "the glamourbaby trails" by ruby of ill-literacy. ever since her "SAVE CHIVALRY. Please?" post, i've been following pretty regularly.
in a recent post, she wrote about being ruled too much by her emotions when she writes. that struck me because i'm the exact opposite...worrying that i'm too ruled by composure. i looked at my blog in the past couple months, and found that no where do i reveal the overwhelming joy & gratitude i've been feeling during this time. that kind of stuff i usually hide away in my head or the journal. so proclaiming now to share more of my emotional vulnerability...which i should not confuse with weakness but think of as revelations of the heart. ---------------- pre-pcn @ venus on shattuck: raspberry & chocolate chip pancakes plus chicken sausage scramble brunch shared by two "more-than-twin-best-homies" (self-proclaimed due to similar life circumstances like becoming the presidents/execs of their respective student cultural organizations). two dear friends who are similar in many ways, but very different in others.
one plays with the concept of being single right now because she's been in relationships for most of the past 5 years: "there are some goals that i feel like i need to accomplish on my own." the other who has been single responds "yah, it's cool doing your own thing, but sometimes there's some adventures that are better shared with another person." they sip their hot cocoa and ponder the enigma, not with self-pity but with self-awareness because whichever circumstance it is...life is still so good right now.
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we were all smiles despite the rain as we walked around golden gate park. 
early friday night, we three noobs to the albatross experience finally got to see what it is all about. in in our years at berkeley, we only heard the tales of board games, billiards, darts and a popcorn machine.
waking from daydreams of travel memories and returning to the present day: can't wait until the visit to san diego next week. hopefully it can involve ice cream.
