since LA

a year ago today (august 16, 2013), i moved to los angeles. marking the first time in my life i would establish long-term residency outside of the bay. it had been a crazy few days leading up to the actual move. my original target date was august 15. but when remotely searching online listings for months yielded nothing, dad suggested the week before,

why don't we go down there to find your place?

monday morning he phoned me from the kitchen, leaving a voicemail saying, 

CJ, CJ, wake up! we have to go. ok, CJ...wake up.

and off we went. the two of us drove down not knowing how long the search would take.

we'll stay until you find a place. i packed a bag for a week.

i hope it doesn't take that long! 

a few days earlier i booked a cheap hotel online located at wilshire & western for two nights figuring we could always extend our stay as needed. arriving in the late afternoon, i hopped on my computer, browsing listings, making phone calls and scheduling appointments while he took a nap. later we walked to dinner nearby. over all-you-can-eat korean bbq, we cordially argued about the present-day relevance of labor unions. then called it a night.

tuesday morning, i checked the postings again. on craigslist, there was a new listing almost too good to be true. everything i had been looking for at the right price. there were no photos included which made me wary of the accuracy of the description. it had only been posted 30 minutes earlier so i rushed to send a response right away. in the elevator on the way back from breakfast, i got a voicemail from the manager with the exact address of the apartment. we headed there right away hoping to be able to view it.

upon arriving, the manager wasn't answering her phone. stuck waiting around, i walked across the street to check out another vacancy sign posted on a gate. "camille?" a girl asked as i stood on the sidewalk waiting for the maintenance guy of this building to show me the apartment. it was the younger sister of a a high school classmate. she was living west hollywood but happened to be visiting a friend in the area. we caught up for a little bit, and she recommended checking out her neighborhood for vacancy postings.

we made our way to weho only to finally receive a phone call from the manager of the "too-good-to-be-true" apartment to come see the it right away. we returned, and i went in by myself, folder of paperwork and checkbook in hand. i loved it and applied then and there. spent the rest of the day gathering additional application materials. after preparing all the documents at kinko's, we celebrated with sushi and ice cream.

wednesday morning, we checked out of the hotel. the two nights i had initially booked turned out to be enough for the task. i submitted the extra materials, deposit and first month's rent checks, and the place was practically mine. i took my dad inside to get his seal of approval. not that it was required. in our adulthood, i've appreciated that dad [and mom] have let us make our own decisions trusting that they have raised us well enough to make good choices. but i wanted the affirmation because it was not possible without him. it was a mission we accomplished together, in less than 48 hours at that. content in our achievement, we headed home, taking detours at porto's for breakfast and in santa barbara for lunch with my great aunt.

thursday was for an ikea run, loading up the u-haul and saying final farewells. then it was back to LA on friday with dad behind the wheel of the moving truck, and mom and me driving in the car. over the next few days, we worked to transform my new apartment into my new home. living without electricity and visiting the corner taco truck for sustenance.

are you happy?

he asked because that's what all the effort was for and that's all he wanted for me. the answer a year ago was whole-heartedly yes as everything seemed to be falling into place as i had hoped. but my heart has broken many times since then. others have said that loss has taught them to live better, love better. but i've been too distracted, too exhausted and too sad to give it a good try. maybe reflecting on the past year is a step. or maybe for right now, it's okay to finally stay still in the grief and just miss him.

i feel it all

my heart wrenches as mom, my aunts, and uncle visit the casket one more time. mom is then the last sibling standing by as the funeral director removes inay's jewelry and places the pieces in her hands. our sobs reach their height as the casket is closed. and it is at that moment my cousin olivia's 2-year old daughter (the youngest member of our entire family) innocently exclaims, "bye, super lola!" and we all manage to laugh through our tears.

----------------

a few months later, many of us are together again...this time shedding tears of joy as my cousin john marries his boyfriend since college. there are few dry eyes in the place...most present at the ceremony have known for a while the sincerity and unselfishness of their love for one another. a nearly perfect celebration of a wonderful couple only tarnished by the absence of my uncle, who refused to come to his own son's wedding.

----------------

these past few months have brought many moments of mixed emotions (hope/grief, happiness/bitterness, excitement/anxiety, etc.). and as opposite as they may be, there has been no denying any of them. no subduing their intensity. no chance of filtering out the good. the only option being to feel it all.

we can work it out

1. we walk down the stairs to the platform of the 16th street bart station. our cousin has dismissed us from her birthday celebration earlier than expected due to the departure of half of the party, too long a wait for a bowling lane, and consideration of our work schedules the next day.

"pittsburg/bay point train in 2 minutes," my brother points out on our right. i look to our left and see, "daly city train in 2 minutes." perfect timing.

as our respective trains approach, we exchange a high five and side hug. small gestures of consolation and comfort to counter the heavy weight of grief in the air this week. we go our opposite directions.

2. buskers begin announcing their performance on the other end of the train car. they are raising funds for some reason or another. as i fiddle with my phone, they start to play a crowd-pleaser. it's the beatles. like many on this train, i've probably heard this song hundreds of times before. but when they get to these lyrics, the words seem to echo in my ears and head...

"life is very short, and there's no time 
for fussing and fighting, my friend"

3. the internet on my phone or nextbus doesn't seem to be working, and so i start my walk home from rockridge bart. i'm stopped in my tracks by something i have never noticed before. four familiar faces in a window with words that remain too true:

reclaim the atmosphere

and today we'll crucify the fear 

as love reclaims the atmosphere

be honest in transition when preparing for the feast

send blessings to your critics and careful with the least of these

a hectic past several months.

busying myself in oakland, pacifica, san francisco, napa, santa barbara, nola, motown, vegas, san diego
with bridesmaid duties, happy hours, live music, holidays, football games, work transitions, food (always lots of food) and maintaining important relationships in my life.

the latter especially leaving me thinking, thinking, thinking about if/how/when i did and did not do my due diligence to make sure these people know they are loved, appreciated, understood, and valued.

then the january calm arrived and i guess i expected the stillness to equate to peace of mind. but instead it felt more like holding my breath.

and with february, could it be finally a sigh of relief? clarity (thank you, jm) at the very least.

"to be alive at all is to have scars" ~steinbeck

a quote in the book. a scene in a movie. most of all, the bright fushcia phalaenopsis flowers in full bloom for the first time since the orchid was gifted to me by the girls as a "get well" gesture. all subtle daily reminders that it has been quite a while since my incident last summer and i have yet to provide a full reflection on that time.

i hinted and promised that i would do so in a past entry, but every attempted draft didn't quite capture everything i wanted to say about it and it was too easy to keep moving forward.

for most of my life, i have been lucky enough to be blessed with relatively good health. this incident was probably the single greatest threat to my health. yet since the injuries were minor, the incident itself quickly became a surreal memory. after all, the next night i was surrounded by laughing friends and family in my childhood home. back to work the following tuesday. camping on catalina island only a week and a half later. then hiking through the andes the next month.

the other reason for my desire to put it in my past: resentment.

i resented being a victim. i admit that i withdrew from gchat and other social networks just to avoid being asked for nth time hearing, "how are you feeling?" people were only asking because they cared, but i grew weary of rehashing the state of my injuries and recovery. i didn't need any additional reminders of what happened. i was witnessing the everyday miracle of wounds healing and turning to scars.

i resented that it seemed to prove the misperceptions of oakland. there was no thought of the why. just a matter of fact: "that happens there." in my own mind, i've vaguely explored the root of it all. see it as a sign of desperation during these tough economic times and a reflection of the tension that is a common symptom in a rapidly gentrifying city.

and yes, one does eventually come to acceptance of it all. so much so that when the kind southern woman from the insurance claims office calls me months later to hear my story, she is in shock and full of sympathy while i chuckle in my explanation of how silly a circumstance i put myself in.

aside from a revival of humor, the greatest thing about acceptance is the ability to revisit even the toughest moments with a lighter heart.

#minorspoileralert: there is a scene in "50/50" where jgl is in the hospital crying to his mom (played by anjelica huston). she attempts to comfort him while the medical staff unapologetically orders her to retreat to the waiting room.

i spent a greater portion of the movie laughing, but i couldn't help tearing up a bit during that one scene. i realize later that my reaction was strong because it was incredibly real to me.

i remember when i opened my eyes to my dad, mom and brother standing over me in the trauma center. i immediately started crying. like every other time in my life that i have cried, my dad delivered his standard mantra, "be strong." i know he went out to the waiting room and translated my tears to my friends as an expression of the pain i was feeling. it was true my head was throbbing from the concussion, but my tears weren't for the pain. they were for my parents: that they had to see me like this, that i made them worry. my mom especially has already spent too many hours in hospital waiting rooms for my brother, for my dad, and in this one particular instance for me.

my pushy attending nurse scooted my family out of my room citing the strict two visitors at a time rule. ignoring that rule, the girls somehow snuck by my nurse and visited my room all at once. i remember smiling and telling them, "my favorite girls in the world!"

some of the dearest people in my life comforted me that night and the days following. thank you, all. after the open wounds and resentment have long gone, it's the memory of the love and blessings received that still resounds.

vintage photos

catching up on greader posts: came upon one of the sartorialist's vintage photos blog posts and was reminded of some i had on my external hard drive. i scanned these back in the summer of 2004 when working on an ancestral project final for environmental design 11a (intro to drawing).

my project focused on the story of how my grandparents (my dad's parents) met during wwii. my grandma was among a group of people who were caught publishing underground anti-japanese literature. as a guerilla, my grandpa coordinated a mission to rescue them from execution. talk about filipino-american history.

doesn't my brother resemble my grandpa?

considering submitting one of these to the sartorialist. any thoughts on which one? i've got a few more here too.

diving for hearts

"so i peeled off my skin,
just slipped right in
and i become alive
'cause down here there's no fear 

there's no cause for panic
there's just bright cold calm
yea, i feel no harm
this underwater feeling's abandon and it fires my heart" 

1. on many fair-weather days since march, i've tried to get out to do laps in our apartment complex pool. i'm not the most-skilled swimmer, but i enjoy it. it brings me a peace of mind that [i am ashamed to admit] i haven't felt with other loves (i.e. running, photography) lately.

what do you think about when you swim? it's funny...since i always swim outside, i have a similar mantra as when i run: "i'm tracing a thin line between the ground/water and the sky." the concept somehow humbles and calms me at the same time.

as i got to higher number laps during one swim session, i started thinking about what i was doing at that age. lap 22: f-in 2-2, graduation, london, ibiza, philippines. lap 23: first job, moving to oakland, presidential election. then as i got past 26, i started wondering where i'd be. 

2. hawaii seems like a dream. the last afternoon we were there: even in the rough waters behind our ewa beach vacation rental, i was so content clinging to a boogie board off-shore, looking across the water towards honolulu with a rainbow hovering above pearl harbor and the sun setting behind me.

3. it's quite often that i have to explain to people that i am allergic to fish. since dad has been helping with a family friend's tuna business, it's been a more frequent occurrence. my dad has recently come up with an entertaining new twist to the explanation which he used over father's day dinner on sunday: "she's allergic to fish because she used to be a mermaid. she can't eat her own kind."

4. dad drops me off after dinner and i settle into my sunday night with a manicure session. coincidentally, my cousin tweets the name of an opi nail polish color. they always have fun names for their nail polishes. i contemplate using the new blue/green color i picked up at a japanese beauty shop in hawaii. i check the bottom of the bottle to see what it is called: memaid's tears

it's 9am in the philippines

i imagine my mom is still jet-lagged from her flight and my dad has made his way back to manila from bali.

the house in merville filled with relatives, food, and sadness.

in a name

last month i read the namesake by jhumpa lahiri. my initial reaction: it made me miss my parents. although just a bart trip and a car ride away, it's so easy to get busy in my own little world of work and friends. the holidays, thankfully, have been great time to take advantage of the proximity to family. the time spent is simple but so special. take last friday: a birthday dinner at a cheap vietnamese restaurant followed by squeezing onto the couch on a cold, rainy night to watch the "expendables" with 3 of the most important people in my life. maybe i'm romanticizing the mundane moments, but i can't deny that at that moment i was truly happy.

--

the book also made me consider all the nicknames i have or had in my lifetime: cj, camel, c-dawgg, cam, mealy/meal, camiye, camizzle/camiz, homie, c, etc. some have stuck while others have been lost in memory, but each name is relegated to specific person(s), places, times in my life. it is interesting how a nickname is not just something someone calls you, but reflects a relationship, an intimacy, an inside joke that you share with certain people.

"there's so much in a name and so much more in you"

lol text from dad

Pinoy1: Sino ang bagong. mayor ng Oakland?
Pinoy2: Si Quan.
Pinoy1: Sinong kwan? Akala ko si ano.

how i know love

30 years of dad & mom

congratulations & condolences

my mom's side of the family

a daughter is born
on wednesday morning

this first child by our "generation"
of six cousins
who grew up together like siblings

in the thursday twilight
of the hospital window
i hold my niece in my hands
a precious bundle of potential

my aunt takes her
and sings a song softly

my dad's side of the family

a father's heart fails him
on thursday night

an uncle i hardly knew
but the parent of a cousin
raised well to become a
smart, successful, faithful woman

at the sunday evening vigil
i look to her in the pew at the front
as the sound of
repeating hail mary's goes in
one ear and out the other
she is strong and resilient

her words at the end of the night
reflect a comfort in knowing
that he is with God now

oh this life’s dichotomy
from life and death in a given week
from singing lullabies in the maternity ward
to murmuring the rosary in the mortuary

"naked i come from my mother's womb, and naked i will depart. the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away"

something about

looking out upon some great vista of

people

water

trees

streets

or snow

that makes you pause,

thank God

and say

at this moment,

this is exactly who i am supposed to be with

and i am exactly where i am supposed to be.

let the sun set on this decade

because i can't take anymore
tragedy, loss & heartache

long threads

that sew us close
from city to city
from coast to coast

ones with 10, 20, 30+ messages
ongoing conversations neatly bundled
thanks to the genius of google

so that we can plot, share, discuss, suggest

adventures
apartment bills
birthday dinners
bridesmaid dresses
concerts & events
our next race
primers!
travels
wine

texty texts

ever since we got the family plan with unlimited text, my dad has become the KING of random texts. didn't get to see him today since the parents are in socal, but wanted to share some fun messages he's sent me in the past few months:

It's pouring cats and dogs but no SPCA to catch them. What say you?

You have a tax refund - total of $999. I'll give you 100 cents to make it a thousand. Luv papaya

Got 2 new eyeglasses from Costco this afternoon. They look so good the Optical manager asked if I could be a model for them. Said I'll think about it. Cooool ha?

WATCH OUT! THERE COULD BE A LEPRAUCON UNDER YOUR DESK. WHEN YOU SEE, KEEP YOUR EYES ON IT. DO NOT EVEN BLINK OR IT WILL DISAPPEAR. From St. Pat

It's April 1st. Even fools know how to text!

Mom is getting her hair done. Rhiyana-style.

It's 'Sprimmer'. You know what I mean?

Possible showers tonight could bring May flowers tomorrow then the pilgrims will come to dinner

Mom & I watched Benjamin Button last nite. Slept late. When I woke up this morning I looked younger. Magic!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ME, From You

that's my dad. =D always trying to make me smile even when i don't get to see him.

hope you all had a good day....cheers to my dad and yours!

nostalgia part 1

early friday night, we three noobs to the albatross experience finally got to see what it is all about. in in our years at berkeley, we only heard the tales of board games, billiards, darts and a popcorn machine.

we walk into the dark pub atmosphere and let our eyes adjust. i glance around at the dingy surroundings and to my excitement i see they have connect four! it had been years since i'd played, so i insist we grab the last set with us on our way to a large round table in the back.

as kay ann and i start playing, nostalgia strikes...

at grandpa q's house my brother and i pull out the connect four set tucked away on the bottom bookshelf behind the tv. between the family photos on the wall and the snowglobes & figurines on the mantle, there is little to keep two young kids entertained for an extended period of time. we begin to play the game and from the kitchen i can smell the sweet combination of flour, sugar & saba and hear the crackle as the maruya mixture hits the frying pan.

this is the only thing i remember my grandpa ever cooking. it became a favorite treat that i wished for on every visit. a simple dish and a simple moment, but a memory that i can still smell, hear, and taste.

i beat kay ann in a second round, so peezy steps up to the challenge. with my renewed connect four skills, i defeat him in four moves (yes, it is possible). i need to get me a copy of this game. =)

speaking in song

recent gtalk convo w/ the bro...

then i think of the great john mayer who says
"say what you need to say."

either way sucks...
as the great goapele says
"well it's a catch 22,
damned if you don't, damned if you do"

(applauding)

much like john legend
i just don't care

john legend also said "i can change"

as lynyrd skynyrd says
"lord help me, i can't change!"

as his google profile says, my bro enjoys using song lyrics as metaphors for life.

a fleeting moment

there was a moment today
of genuine happiness
when i forgot about
broken hearts or
worrying so much

we were chatting
and laughing
then we parted ways

as i drove off
it suddenly hit me
how much i miss
you being a part
of our everyday lives

sibling shenanigans

alex: mom refused a free BART ticket from baron davis! (see 1:45 of the above clip)
he's convinced it's her on the left, but i have my doubts
and of course she DOESN'T remember this happening, but says she would have taken free tickets if they were offered

after the finals game finished last night...
alex: let's do fitness tv on demand
me: which program should we do?
alex: carmen electra hip hop! YES!

this morning...
me: you stole my lunch!
alex: i, i, i
me: ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE!
alex: there can only be one
me: you look good tonight michelle!
alex: ahahahahaa
alex: dude
why is your lunch so tiny
starving
i may have to hit the farmer's market
me: ahaha that's what you get for stealing it
alex: $6
for half a jerk chicken
the chocolate crossaints
and muffins
are to die for