i feel it all

my heart wrenches as mom, my aunts, and uncle visit the casket one more time. mom is then the last sibling standing by as the funeral director removes inay's jewelry and places the pieces in her hands. our sobs reach their height as the casket is closed. and it is at that moment my cousin olivia's 2-year old daughter (the youngest member of our entire family) innocently exclaims, "bye, super lola!" and we all manage to laugh through our tears.

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a few months later, many of us are together again...this time shedding tears of joy as my cousin john marries his boyfriend since college. there are few dry eyes in the place...most present at the ceremony have known for a while the sincerity and unselfishness of their love for one another. a nearly perfect celebration of a wonderful couple only tarnished by the absence of my uncle, who refused to come to his own son's wedding.

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these past few months have brought many moments of mixed emotions (hope/grief, happiness/bitterness, excitement/anxiety, etc.). and as opposite as they may be, there has been no denying any of them. no subduing their intensity. no chance of filtering out the good. the only option being to feel it all.